Maverick

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Unbranded and home on the range.

Why you gotta BE SO JEALOUS?!

This one’s for the ladies.

There’s different kinds of jealousy. The right kind and the wrong kind.

 

The right kind is in moderation. Its enough to let the other person know you want them and love them, that you care for their well-being and it exhibits a proper level of loyalty.

The wrong kind is so much that you suffocate them … or when you go overboard and stalk the person or even worse, you engage in blatant entrapment to set that person up to see if your jealous fears are valid … or if you’re not even associated in any meaningful way with person X, the wrong kind of jealousy is the one that broadcasts your lack of self-confidence in earth-shattering 120 dB levels.

Yeah, so as usual I was busy with work yesterday (on a holiday Sunday!) Several major projects in my pipeline that I’m tearing my hair out over. Threw on a white polo and a light sand-colored linen suit that I LOVE, and ran off to work mid-afternoon and then off to a nice yacht cruise in Lake Ontario just so that I could be grilled by my C-level execs on what was in my pipeline and what was closing when. It was a business networking event hosted by Imam Hamid Slimi. He’s a cool guy. Most everyone on board was Muslim. Business and IT professionals, finance, HR, etc. Some families tagged along as well. I met this cutest baby girl named Ahilla mashallah – she’s like only two or three years old. She ran off with my aviator shades while I was in Maghrib salah, AFTER dancing in front of me and teasing me by trying to put them on her face.

There was a certain incident which got me thinking about something I really never actively think about – why so many girls have such low confidence / self-esteem that they try to mask via all manners of makeup or trendy hijabs, clothes and heels – and it all falls apart with just one or two ill-advised moments.

Me and my CTO were at the bar grabbing some drinks. Bartenders were two girls who were part of the ship crew, in uniform, early or mid 20s. One was Irish, the other Russian. I ordered a cranberry and OJ mix with ice. While the Irish lass was filling up my glass, I asked her what was the most craziest mix request she’d ever gotten. She shrugged her shoulders and tried to remember. I turned to the other one and asked her if she had any milk on board, and she suggested the coffee bar, and then asked me why I was asking. I nodded at the coke and OJ glasses out and asked if she’d ever seen anyone down coke + milk + OJ all together. She made a face while I explained to both of them how to drink down any mix, no matter how outrageous, without flinching and cleaning house along the way.

BLAH BLAH BLAH

My CTO, who had taken his drink before me and walked off after brief small talk, came back and whispered to me to stop talking, because all the hijabis at the table behind me (who were busy playing dominos) were staring at me. Gee maybe they like my suit? His tone was cold, urgent, and insistent all at once. It certainly wasn’t complimentary. I thanked the girls for my drink and walked off with him while wondering what the problem was – so what if they were staring at me? (I stay away from assuming things) He explained later that they had their heads turned the whole time during my brief conversation with the girls; it wasn’t just a short glance. And it wasn’t like they were just interested in eavesdropping on ANY conversation at the nearby counter – plenty of other [older] guys had come and gone with some small talk while taking their drinks and none warranted as much attention as I?

So what gives?

Look. Presuming you the reader was one of them sitting there, wondering why I was talking to them, or what I was talking about … please stop. Giving me icy cold dagger stares at my back in front of several dozen people says a lot of things about you, and none of them good.

For starters, its just plain bad manners – don’t stare at people.

For another, giving me the cut-eye when I don’t even – or barely – know you says to everyone in a really loud voice that you want the kind of attention from me that I was giving to those two. Its pathetic and self-degrading. Did you stop and think that I was just being polite by making small, humorous talk while waiting for my drink? That when you have X level of interaction with someone, there should be Y level of polite courtesy. The girls aren’t just wallpapered robots or characterless dispensing spigots to be turned on and off at your whim. They’re human – they have personalities and sensitivities – and they’d like to be treated as such.

For a third reason, I had other business associates and male friends there on the ship who were also single. It not like they were there to look for someone – we were all talking shop and catching up; it was a business event after all – but when you ladies pull a stunt like that, its disgusting and it gets noticed, but not with the results you might like. Guys like us can be talking in a really busy hall or cafeteria or restaurant, and there will be dozens of conversations or – shall I call them, “pockets of noise” going on all around us. We can hear that noise but we’re not listening to that noise. If one of those pockets disappears [people going silent for whatever reason] we definitely notice. Maybe its an old carry-over from our caveman days when our hunter instincts and sense of hearing meant the difference between life and death.

So when that group of you stopped talking, when you stopped dropping your dominos down on the table, and you were giving me that look like you wanted to kill me – guess what? You were a pocket of noise in that room that vanished. You created a deadspace that was subconsciously noticed immediately by plenty of guys. And as it continued on, they saw you, they saw me, and then they saw your entire facade fall apart like a house of cards. All of your polished heels, your carefully wrapped scarves and matching jackets and purses or handbags – all carefully and painstakingly crafted to project an image of suave confidence … all became about as valuable as a dirty rag used to wipe up a spill.

And inside our collective heads, while we continued talking about getting equity financing for XYZ startup opportunity, or dropping the nuclear option on a client that just wouldn’t move, or outmaneuvering the competition … these guys crossed your name off that virtual list that’s projected on their internal cranial walls. Shocking as it may be but yes, its true – the kind of psychotic behavior attendant with such unrestrained jealousy  really is a turn-off. We don’t want those genes being passed on to our kids.

Lack of confidence is literally like throwing salt – with your own hands – into the same fertile fields you wish to have sown. And then you complain why you can’t find any good guys.

For your own sake, get your act together.

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Filed under: Exhaust, Leadership, Women

14 Responses

  1. hijabi.sailoress says:

    asalamu alykum,

    Based on your report Maverick, I don’t think the hijabis were rather ‘jealous’, instead, they were reacting to the bartenders’ facial expression which clearly showed great deal of replusion in your random, yet not so humourous jokes. As some might call it too obscure and complex for anyone to get, but besides yourself? 😉

    peace.

  2. maverick007 says:

    hey salams

    no I actually didn’t put in the details of the conversation with, and the reaction of the baristas – they were giggling and amazed at what I told them [you’ll notice I didn’t give the details] and only one of them made a face, briefly, when I mentioned that crazy mix. Otherwise they weren’t reacting unfavorably 😉

  3. Dawud Israel says:

    Salman, they were checking ya out bro. Yes, it happens.

    It is kinda weird because if your Muslim and the opposite gender is Muslim, there is a feeling of entitlement, i.e. you should be giving her attention, not the non-Muslim girls…?

    Great post btw. Love to read more.

  4. maverick007 says:

    Yeah for sure, people checking each other out is common – and I’m not objecting to that.

    But if they want to do it, then do it with class.

  5. widad says:

    salam
    i’m not saying this in defense of the sisters…
    however, you ARE supposed to give your fellow muslim 70 excuses.

    my guess would be that they were judging, thinking you should be modest and not initiate small talk with non-mahram women?

    and brother, it isn’t a big deal. definitely not worth a lengthy blog post…

  6. maverick007 says:

    Thanks Widad.

    Some standards of modesty are universal and timeless – they apply across all cultures and times.

    Other standards are relative to a particular culture and era. In our time, its considered rude and ungentlemanly to treat a service provider with indifference or to just not acknowledge them, which is what I hinted at.

    We were in a public place, and the small-talk I did initiate was out of respect and custom.

  7. Organica says:

    hahah

    As a blogger who builds my entire persona on attacking Muslim men, it’s nice to hear your side.

    I can see myself being all judgmental like those women. I would think you are a player trying to be slick and maybe a bit of a show-off (and maybe you are :))

    BUT

    I think there is a fine line between flirting and just being nice. And definitions are different for each. I am sure you had certain intentions and God knows those 🙂

    But I guess it’s safe to say that definitions don’t matter when you are single. You decide how you want to behave and no one has the RIGHT to tell you otherwise.

    Although I must disagree with your characterization of ‘lack of self-esteem.’ I am not sure how you came to that conclusion. What is self-esteem anyways? What is jealousy? I am a behaviorist, I like definitions of BEHAVIOR without accounting for the inside. I can’t work with the inside.

    I think the situation can be explained simply without finding an ‘inner’ explanation.

    A description of the situation is much more relevant:

    1) Single guy orders drink
    2) Single guy starts asking silly questions because of boredom? Need attention from girls? Need attention from Muslim girls sitting behind? Need attention from anyone? Likes to hear himself talk?
    3) Single dude receives all attention and more
    4) Single dude ups the jokes/stories a little. Single dude receives more attention from everyone, including boss (unwanted)
    5) Single dude wants to escape such attention, so blames it on girls and self-esteem and jealousy

    My predictions: single dude will ask further silly questions and stories in the feature when girls are present, but will minimize such stories and questions in the presence of boss 🙂

    got ya!

  8. maverick007 says:

    I love how all the ladies are trying to make excuses for their own its so sweet, all the SISTAS backin each other up. I think I’m gonna just POP out of so much warm fuzziness!

    … right. uhuh.

    Organica, here’s my comments on your thoughts:

    The one question I did ask, along with the resultant conversation, took the exact same amount of time it took for the girls to get me a clean glass and pour my drink.

    I was FAR from bored. I wanted to get my drink and go back to conversing with business contacts and schmoozing. You see, I’m in F2F corporate sales. And inside that role specifically I’m a hunter, not a farmer (ask anyone in sales about the difference between the two). I get paid to blab. That’s all I really do on my job. I blab. I talk. Ever watch that movie “Thank You For Smoking” and there’s that scene where he smiles and says “Me? I talk.” – yeah that’s me. So, on that boat I wasn’t bored at all, there were so many business opportunities and new leads to discuss but so little time.

    The Muslim girls sitting at the table weren’t my type and I wasn’t even paying them any attention. If I did want their attention though, I would have started talking to them directly.

    Being in sales, being on the customer-facing(public) side of every company I’ve worked at, means I have to take all sorts of heat, whether its desired attention or undesired. Public speaking, engaging complete strangers, elevator pitches, the whole nine yards. I neither seek attention nor run from it, but if its there I often use it for vested interests – i.e. business.

    Oh and, if you ask my boss, he’ll tell you I have the same stories and questions whether he’s present or the ladies. It makes no difference – again, its all about optimism, being socially astute, talking to strangers, selling ice to Eskimos, and all that jazz. That’s my job.

  9. Organica says:

    Basically:

    Your history of reinforcement of ‘talking’ or ‘blabbing’ has lead to multiple gains: You get the clients attention, business and maybe a giggle here and there. You’ve got history here, so you continue to maintain that particular behavior across people and settings.

    I’m not giving excuses for anyone, I was simply giving a description of what happened. As a matter of fact, I didn’t even focus on ‘them’ per se because I don’t think the story is about them or their behavior. It’s about your behavior (reaction, talking, etc). And remember, you’ve written this scenario from your point of view, your voice.

    I will still like a definition of jealousy in the context of WHAT THEY DID. I would like a definition of low self-esteem in the context of what they did.

    It’s interesting though what a third party might observe (if they were present) from their eyes that you might have missed or not noticed.

    And dude, you don’t have to defend your actions to me. I am just taking my spin on things. What bothers me is when people throw labels around and THEY HAVE no idea how to really describe these labels.

    I used to be a show salesperson. Does that count?

    haha

  10. maverick007 says:

    Actually, I did write what a third party observed – my CTO.

    Were it not for him, I would have had no idea, nor any interest, what those behind me were doing.

    The labels I applied is due to observation of people, male and female, in similar situations countless times.

  11. sodaba says:

    what supports men to think women are more jealous then men???

  12. Mahvash says:

    Okay i am not trying to defend their behaviour but hey may be they were all simultaneously checking you out–the domino effect indeed!

  13. maverick007 says:

    I’d be flattered if they were checking me out but it had the opposite effect, which is what my post was about too – i.e. dont do something that becomes such a huge turn-off

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