Unbranded and home on the range.

Random cranial diarrhea

Okay. I have way too much random crap floating around in the space formerly known as the Dark Abyss, a.k.a my brain. Usually the self-eject mechanism goes on every Friday evening but last week there was a nuclear meltdown and cranial reactors B4 through D9 went belly up. Which is why all the overflow is going here.

  • WHY do people still use cash at the deli? Stupid cheapo hag, I don’t have time for you to fumble around in the deep recesses of your purse while you hunt for another four pennies to pay the $2.30 on your cup of joe and a donut. There were so many juicy remarks I wanted to make out loud, the other morning, just to let my thoughts be known. “SLOW DAY HUH?” or like “HEY LOOK!! I BET THAT DEBIT MACHINE GOES GREAT WITH YOUR DEBIT CARD!!” or like “WOW. Lookit THAT!! REAL COINS! GOSH, MY GRANDMA USED TO TELL ME ABOUT THOSE! *squeal* Ma’am, Can I get your AUTOGRAPH?!!” or like, whatever. One day I should seriously use a stopwatch to time all the slow payers and add up all the records and hand out impromptu awards to the regulars.
  • Footwear. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with people? Ladies, those Ugg boots are freaking UGG-LY. After Crocs, they are the second most hideous sight of footwear known to mankind. It makes me wonder what kind of laced drinks they were serving when you walked into the store. I know you have this insane desire to uglify your feet but please, stop wasting your money on such routes and just go dance around in a pile of canine crap instead. That way, at least the smell of your feet will match the ugliness of their appearance.
  • What the flip do they actually put in artificial sweetener? At once it tastes like both sugar and poison. I already have enough artery-busting cholesterol jamming up my insides, I dont need additional killers gutting my insides.
  • I’ve decided that the autumn season that makes people become as blind as bats. No really, I’ve lost count of the number of incidents just last week where stupid teenyboppers coming the opposing way on the sidewalk failed to see me and my bike from nearly a mile away until I was practically two nanometers away from them and I had to bellow out my muezzin-trained, wake-up-the-dead Pavarotti baritone “MOVE OVER!!” warning. And then they get all shocked and squeal like babies. Apparently in this part of the world you need a freaking Ph.D  to understand an extremely complicated concept like “WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING”. stupid hicks. (Okay, I didn’t really lose count, it was like just three or four, thousand … ish)
  • Poor customer service, and me, go together like mintos and a bottle of coke. Not pretty. At all. I’m at the pizza store, and I tell the girl very clearly – that slice, plus this side order, plus that drink. She repeats it after me and punches it into the register, and I pay up. Then I wait a few minutes for the slice in the oven, which she hands to me on a tray with nothing else. No napkins, no additional orders, NOTHING. I wait politely, poker faced. STILL NOTHING. Her boss walks by and I ask him to hand me a drink and the side order. The girl has the gall to pipe up “Oh you have to pay for those!”. I tried my best to keep the verbal volcano inside my mouth clamped shut and forced an ever-so-fake smile while I reminded her that I just paid for those items TWO MINUTES AGO. And then I gave her boss that icy sneer, you know, the one that says “Better fire this freaking piss-poor excuse of a rag doll or else I’ll have your head rolling on the floor.”
  • What is UP with people clipping their nails in public places, like on a bus? Do you also take a shower in public places? Do you also use a snow shovel to clean out all the oily lint from your belly button? WHAT. THE HELL. This guy, maybe in his mid-40s, was sitting there behind me clipping his fingernails. Man, the supermassive amount of strength I needed to keep myself from turning around and losing my breakfast all over his face would make Superman look like a Teletubbie. I did turn around at gave him the penance stare, Ghost Rider style.  Face ashen, he put the clippers away and tried his best to avoid my eyes. I kept glaring at him until it was clear he felt horribly violated and completely emasculated.
  •  For the life of me, I can’t understand why people have no respect for old people. I’m on the bus, and its like, packed, okay so, whatever. I’ll stand, no big deal. There’s this three-seat bench directly in front of the rear doors. This girl sits down at one end, this unrelated guy who clearly wasn’t with her sits at the other end leaving the seat in the middle empty. No one wanted to take the middle seat and be all scrunched up. So anyways, a few of us are standing and this old lady makes her way towards the back, near the doors, and she cant see any seats empty so she stands. Meanwhile the guy starts mackin’ on the girl, who clearly feels a bit uncomfy but like, whatever I really don’t wanna do the shining-knight routine today so stop lookin’ at me yo, I just ride the bus. Apparently neither of them notices the tired old lady standing nearby, like two inches away, looking for a spot to sit. I started counting to two to see how long it would take for them to realize. Screw that. I stepped in close to the random couple, bent down and apologized for the intrusion, and asked them if they could kindly make space for the old lady. Poor guy got all flustered ‘cuz I messed up his flow. He started looking around for the old lady [SHE’S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU LOSER] while the girl moved over to the middle seat and gestured to the old lady who sat down. Someone in the back belted out a loud “BRAVO” and I replied THANKS BRO as I went back to my standing position shaking my head, letting that glazed zombie look creep back into my eyes. Poor guy. I went all zabeeha on his mojo. In front of a packed house too. SUCKER. Work on your game, turd-face. The girl got off two stops later, all tomato-face-embarassed from sitting next to such a Neanderthal.



Filed under: Exhaust, Ghetto

One Response

  1. sukkar&filfil says:

    @ bullet pt number 2: thank GOD u pointed that out! always thought it myself too…

    @ bullet pt number 7: i do that too, except i usally give up MY seat… unless i’m carrying heavy shopping (sorry!)

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