Unbranded and home on the range.

(Dis)Order in the Court!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Show these to your parents next time they ask you to go study law. Some of these are shockingly stupid. Check out the whole list.

Thumbs up to Khadijah I. for the laughs.


Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?


From a defendant representing himself:

Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the public defender isn’t interested in my case.
Judge (to public defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant’s motion?
Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.


Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: ??? … Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.


Q: Did she appear to be in any pain? In other words, just looking at her, did she look like she was hurting?
A: She’s so ugly it looks like she hurts all the time

Q: And the serratus anterior nerve that — or the nerves that go to it, where do they come from?
A: The neck, the cervical region.
Q: From the cervical region?
A: Yes.
Q: And did you do any examination of his cervical — of his cervix — to determine if there was any problem with his nerves going through his neck?
A: He doesn’t have a cervix, but, yes, I examined the biceps.


Q: And, Doctor, are you a member of the profession? Correct?
A: What profession?
Q: The medical profession.
A: Oh, yes, sir.
Q: And what profession are you a member of?
A: The medical profession


Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times

And saving the best for last…

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Can anyone say All-American Rejects?



Filed under: Ghetto, Miscellany

8 Responses

  1. nuqtah says:

    ahahahaha, omg…I was crackin up. This is some funny and retarted stuff. Thanks for the laughs.

  2. starry eyes says:

    lool That is the most HILARIOUS thing I’ve read in ages lool subhanAllah :D…now if only I knew how to link it hmmm :S

    looks like I’m gonna have to share this on fb, looks like I already just informing you lol

  3. Khadijah says:

    WOW! I actually got a shot out! Thanks akhi 😀

  4. Almira says:

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    The best! Good post 🙂

  5. Hala says:

    🙂 so I guess being American is the new blonde?

    or i’ll just tell everyone to stay away from blonde american lawyers hahahahaha

  6. Danya says:

    Those were really funny.

    In defense of the legal profession, most lawyers are not that dumb. Some are dumb, but not that dumb.

  7. Danya says:

    This was my favorite:
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: ??? … Did you actually pass the bar exam?

  8. […] Originally Posted by sixpakistan i didn’t deny it’s offensive on many levels & for many reasons though imo the honor and good name of lawyers is pretty low on that list of reasons Here’s another (list of) reason[s] why lawyers have low credibility sometimes. Sorry Salika, I just had to … ’twas too hard to resist. __________________ Elizabeth Swann: There will come a moment when you’ll have the chance to do the right thing. Jack Sparrow: I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by. .:[ ]:. […]

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