Unbranded and home on the range.

The 411 on (Muslim) guys who want to get married.

So, I was being asked by some women about characteristics of guys who want to get married (desperately or not). I’ve been around for a while, traveled the world over, and I’ve found some pretty common items wherever I go. Be it in North America, Europe, the Mideast, whatever. Please bear in mind some of the following are trade secrets.

Guys who want to get married, desperately or not, will do the following:

1.) Joke endlessly about having four spaces available. They just wanna spite the girls, there’s no other reason, because they find it cute when the girls all go ballistic over the prospect of the guy having more than one wife. The fact of the matter is, the vast majority of guys – like over 90% – would never want or consider taking a second wife, and those that talk or think seriously about it, most of them will NEVER do it. One is quite enough. Anyways. getting back to motive, some guys know that some girls notice guys who are brash, slightly dismissive, sure of themselves, etc. So that’s why they do it. Just to get attention.

2.) Keep talking to married guys about how they hooked up, through what channels, what hoops they had to jump through, etc. They’ll ask the guys how they deal with their wives, what to know and what not to do or say at that certain time of the month, etc. They’ll repeat their questions without realizing it, and often one or two blurbs about how a wife also carries X amount of financial obligations for the husband is enough to make some guys suffer a nervous breakdown because they’re thinking about how are they going to support a wife.

3.) Cause a major ruckus inside the house with the parents about wanting to get married. Emotional blackmail, temper tantrums, silent treatments, anything goes. Often it becomes a test of powerful wills and selling skills – can the parents hold out and get their son to wait, either until he’s done school OR for the girl *THEY* want to be available … or can the guy convince his parents, etc. (Notwithstanding the fact that a guy doesn’t need absolute permission to marry.)

4.) Registering on some stupid online matrimonial site, thinking they can just plug in some information, do a search for compatible ladies and like, they’re going to get a heavenly match or something. Those guys that are really desperate will try to go for whatever glitters without doing proper introductions through proper channels, and background checks, and end up regretting it later. Other guys will take it slow and easy and some have the good fortune to realize the online scene is largely a waste for a variety of reasons, and they leave.

5.) Joining the MSA or other similar organizations for the sole purpose to try and find a girl to marry. They also wanna scope out the competition, see who they’re up against. Similar motive is found when guys take a class that they don’t need, but they take only because *she’s* in that class.

6.) The more suave, nuanced and experienced boys will notice a girl they like, and they’ll ask around discreetly, very slow and easy, to find out if she has any brothers around her age, who her father is, which masjid her family goes to, which social circle she’s a part of. Since they know there’s high likelihood that her father / parents will be looking for her as well, they’ll kill two birds with one stone – 1) they ease into her social network and seek gradual exposure to her father / parents so eventually her parents will be moderately to highly impressed by him and say to each other “oh he’s perfect for our daughter, isnt he?” (yeah, the guy SO wishes it’d be like that) … and … 2) He’s in a better position to find out about her character, sense of humor, level of Deen, various preferences and of course by putting himself in similar circles as she’s in, he basically lets her know he’s around and *available*. But if he doesn’t like what he sees, he’ll be gone in a flash.

7.) They’ll sit and chill at Timmy’s or PizzaPizza and talk about which girls and who’s after who, and trade stories or try to find their friends the right girl even though they haven’t found one for themselves yet.

8.) They’ll act a bit differently, talk a bit louder, crack more jokes, deepen their voice, etc. IF in the proximity of the girl they are interested in. Particularly newbies or boys who lack a little or some self-confidence. (Those who lack a lot of self-confidence are just … pathetic.)

9.) (Some guys) If they’re going to anyplace where they know *the* girl will be, or plenty of eligible girls, they’ll be more particular about the clothes they’re wearing, make sure their car is nice and shiny so that she and her friends can see their reflections in the shiny finish if he should just casually roll by in the car. They’ll make sure their hair isn’t in a mess. If they don’t have a car, they’ll work like crazy and put themselves into debt just to get a decent one. Presentation is EVERYTHING. (To some.)

10.) Some of the younger, fresh guys … when they see some sister walk by that they want, they get this (halal) hungry look in their eyes. The other guys often have to slap him out of it when they see that expression on his face. He starts tailgating her eventually and stalking her to varying levels of creepiness.

11.) At random moments, either with family or with the guys, they’ll just ball their hands into fists, tilt their head back, close their eyes shut and let out a slow, loud moan: “OMG … OH MANNNN I NEED TO GET MARRIEDDDD”. Maybe with some attendant table-pounding or covering their face.

12.) Be found in a state of distraction, singing or humming a song. It could be an old song or a recent one.

13.) May mistakenly blurt out the girl’s name when addressing their own blood sister or cousin, or classmate (while intending to say the name of the actual person being addressed) because they were just so thinking about her. Of course the reaction from the other girl who was mistakenly addressed by the wrong name is a bit of shock, silence, and then laughter, and the guy gets so embarassed. Some guys are experienced and real smooth and they recover without the other girl realizing a thing, and some guys are just … what can I say? Raw. Fresh. Inexperienced.

14.) If they’ve got her attention, and things seem to be moving along … then the guy will be found walking with a definite spring in his step and a stupid smile on his face. Never mind the fact that he doesn’t realize it may not work out. Or that she just might be using him or teasing him.

15.) Will constantly be asking OTHER guys when their big day is coming, when THEY are getting hitched, etc. Ostensibly, they ask so that they can encourage a guy to do it (get married) and be happy for him. But undeneath that smile … HAHA … they just want the competition to be taken, unavailable, OFF the playing field and OUT of the arena, so that they can breathe a bit easier.

ANYWAYS. That’s all I can pull off the top of my head – and yes that was all from MY head and was NOT a copy and paste job from anywhere. Sorry if I repeated anything up there.

More later.



Filed under: Ghetto, Laced, Riposte, Women

16 Responses

  1. Mariya says:

    Ofcourse it was from your head, cuz…you would know right? =P

  2. Maverick says:

    eha. ha. ha. very funny.

    I know most of it yeah because I’m surrounded by these guys.

    *smacks his forehead*

  3. Hala says:

    ………..erm, and exactly how many of these have you exhibited or experienced on a personal basis?

  4. magnoona says:

    16) They’ll post stuff like this on their blog, so others out there know they are an ‘exception’ and they should be sought first :p

  5. Maverick says:

    lol @ magmoona …

    … but what if I cannot be sought out. (Like, what if? Hypothetical question)

    Then your numero 16 would not apply, would it?


  6. magnoona says:

    dang, I knew there was some catch to this.

  7. jannah says:

    that was very educational thanx 😉

  8. Maverick says:

    Now now girls, play nice.

    Don’t be mean to all the young ‘uns out there.

  9. Lalchi says:


    Roya killed it for you on #13 man I can never forget that day

    Sona or Roya ~ Im still tryin to remember who got more embarassed (or you)



  10. Maverick says:

    dinner plates … shutup already about that Jay

  11. Taz says:

    aaaahahahaha I remember that day too and Sid was like ‘what does Saul have that i dont?

    – rearview mirror for your monitor: $3.00
    – promo to TC status: $15K+ annually
    – mistaken Sona for Roya: PRICCCEELESSSSS LLLLLLLL

    somethings money just cant buy

  12. Hala says:

    um boys, details plz?

  13. Asmaa says:

    Very astute observations. The most disturbing one, by far, is the spring-in-step point. That’s slightly disturbing.

    Another point you may add to this is, going up to girls and asking them if they have a wali. Perhaps this is more of an overt method, but it happens nonetheless.

  14. Saleh says:

    Men till u finish reading this lengthy lecture, I bet u will then have found the righteous girl of ur life, did i mention wife? Bhaaaagoooooooo lool

  15. Anonymous says:

    I’ve never been stalked before lol! 😦

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